I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
