i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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