Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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