why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
