Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
