I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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