Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
