the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
