dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
