Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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