he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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