I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
