upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
