who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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