He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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