Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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