Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you will always have a special place in my vag
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
