I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
