just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
