you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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