You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
