Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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