You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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