So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
