i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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