Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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