What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
