how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
