Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
