they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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