I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
