i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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