Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
