i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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