I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
