you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
