Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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