i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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