We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
