So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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