Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
