what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
