The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
two words: eviction party
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
