Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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