you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
