If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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