the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
