He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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