Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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