last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
